It's a whole different world out here.

Sat, Mar/10/2012

While the differences between the east and west coasts are not huge, they are certainly there.

Number One : Onion Bagels

Who would have thought that the thing that would annoy me first about the west coast would be onion bagels. Turns out that on the west coast they think all you need to do is sprinkle some sad dry onion flakes on a bagel and you're done. I don't know what kind of lazy fucking bullshit culinary school told you that was ok, but as a graduate of Johnson & Whales, I can tell you ...little about culinary tradition as my major was in computer support. Racists claim that Jews control Hollywood, but I find that hard to believe when I can't even get a decent onion bagel. Anyway, somewhere along Oregon trail or whatever the fuck caused people to move to LA, some lazy fuck decided that it was too much trouble to make an onion bagel actually contain onion. Probably someone who can't stand that cutting fresh onions makes them cry. To them I say, "get your shit together man, take some fucking pride in your bagel-making. Let the onions sit in some ice water for an hour before cutting them. The lower temperature reduces the volatility of the lacrimator compounds and hydrates the outer skin, making it easier to remove. ...you fuck." is what I would say. Maybe not in person.

And if that wasn't shitty enough, all the onion bagels have poppy seeds on them. I didn't order an onion poppy seed bagel, I ordered a onion bagel. I am not sure how you are not understanding this concept. Onion bagels only have onion, just like blueberry bagels only have blueberry and Cinnamon Raisin bagels only have Cinnamon and Raisins. And the raisins aren't on the fucking top. You what, just give me a salt bagel. As long as I'm eating empty carbs, it might as well be extremely high in sodium. My blood pressure is already high enough from my anger at you stocking only everything bagels and trying to sell them under the guise of their individual ingredients. Fuck this noise.

Note: The onion tip was from On Food and Cooking: The Science and Lore of the Kitchen by Harold McGee. Use that link to buy it and I get money.

Accents

While I actually did not detect much of a change in accent in most of the places I went, there is a distinct change in southern California having to do with how much people are shocked at my "lack of my accent". I would indignantly tell them that not everyone from Massachusetts is from Revere, but realize that only people from New England would get that. What I should do is point out that I don't pronounce the vowels in Brother and Father the same way, but I do pronounce the vowels in caught and cot the same way. From now on I am just going respond by saying the sentence "what a weird, square card" in as thick a Boston accent as I can manage.

I have noticed that what seems to throw people the most is my use of "mad" to mean a lot, as in "There were mad people all over the place eating mad amounts of food". But maybe that's just a personal tick.

When I knock on the bathroom door

Say something! Seriously what the fuck is wrong with you people? Lucky for me you have the sense to lock the door. If you don't say anything when I knock, I am going to try the handle. Anyone is going to try the handle. That's why people knock, to see if they should try the handle. No one likes to yell something while trying to shit, I get that. It's an awkward thing to have to do. But you know what's worse? Trying to shit while someone is jiggling the handle of the fucking bathroom. What do you think is going to happen if you ignore the knocking? Why would someone be knocking? Are they just tapping out a beat? No, they want to know if someone is in the bathroom because they want to use it. SO FUCKING TELL THEM. If you don't, they are going to think no one is in there, and they are going to try to go in. Then when they jiggle the handle, you finally realize "oh shit, someone is trying to use this bathroom" and say something. Were you just not sure before? I have had the good fortune so far not to have walked in on someone, but I swear to god if that happens. ...I am going to feel awkward, really awkward. And it's going to be your fault not mine. And then I'll say "oh yeah" in a creepy voice, just to make you feel even more awkward than me, so you learn your god damn lesson. And from then on, you know the polite thing to do.

And if you are wondering what you are supposed to say, it's "I'll be out in a minute". That's it, done. I'll stop knocking, and I'll even tell others not to bother knocking. Deal?